Where the Bass Never Stops

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Dancing til daylight with Brooklyn's hyper-friendly, ketamine-fueled, ever-eclectic house music party people.

I emerge from the L at the Montrose stop along with several other people. The sidewalk is busy, plenty of cars pass. But as soon as I take a right down a side street, I’m alone. Squatting on either side of my route are warehouses, their windows dark and their brick walls tagged with graffiti.

I scan the locked doors as I hurry down the lonely street, looking for a certain address that was emailed to me in the middle of the week. I wonder what the chances are that the party got cancelled and if I’m here for nothing. Then I spot the man ahead of me, standing by himself. He’s big, and he looks bored. Bingo.

As I get closer, I hear the bass thudding. “You here for the party?” he asks me. “I’ll need to see your I.D., but we can check it inside.” He opens the door, checks my I.D. and directs me up the concrete-and-metal staircase with lime green walls, toward the deep bass and down-tempo of minimal house music.

*   *   *

Hi, my name is Alden, and I’m a house music addict. I think I knew when I started choosing my love interests based on their taste in music. Or maybe it was earlier, when I found myself with my hands pressed up against a speaker that was taller than I am, my hair ruffling in the puffs of air while I danced to the music at six a.m. Either way, I’m a goner. Whenever I fantasize, as some New Yorkers do, about escaping to the countryside for some peace and reflection, I realize that the countryside probably doesn’t have good DJs, which cuts my fantasy off short.

The general consensus is that house music debuted in Chicago in the early 1980s. It was propelled, a few years later, by the seminal song “Acid Tracks,” which tweaked a bass synthesizer to produce fresh, hypnotic beats only vaguely reminiscent of disco. As a fourteen-year-old in the ’90s, when I first read about the warehouse rave scene that grew out of this music, all I wanted to do was sneak in and try it out. Alas, it would take ten years. As tales of rampant drug abuse at raves spread, frightening parents and lawmakers alike, the RAVE act (Reducing Americans’ Vulnerability to Ecstasy—cute, Congress) passed in 2003, allowing police to treat raves like drug bazaars that happened to have music and fine them heavily enough to wipe out many organizers. The scene faded out almost completely.

Over the last few years, raves have come back, in a somewhat different form. Instead of white ecstasy pills with smiley faces and hearts, you have modest capsules of brown powder. Instead of sucking on a pacifier, you chew a piece of gum. And instead of calling it a rave, it’s just a party with a DJ.

I keep going back—and make a point to become friends with as many other house fans as possible—because every time I emerge from a good house music party, I feel like I’ve just experienced the pinnacle of what New York City has to offer, a unique experience that will never quite be replicated again in the exact same way. It’s the closest you can come to pure, hedonistic pleasure in this world.

Oh, and the fact that these parties are illicit is a perk, of course. I talked to one party organizer—let’s call him “Big Sal”—who has been doing this for five years. For one memorable party, he and the DJ straight-up broke into an empty warehouse. Big Sal told me in an email: “At a warehouse, we have full control. We have no official management to answer to. We have no government regulations to regard or uphold. In a sense it’s complete and total anarchy at these events. Controlled chaos. You can smoke, do drugs, piss in the corner, fuck a stranger…it’s really anything goes. It’s what a party is supposed to be.”

I’ve never personally seen anyone fuck a stranger on the dance floor. But peeing in a corner? There was that bucket bathroom outside on the roof one time. Either way, I want to describe to both readers and myself why I worship at the foot of drum and bass; I needed to push myself deeper into the scene than I’ve gone before, if possible. My goal: to find the dirtiest, grimiest, most underground house music party happening on the Friday night before Christmas. If I was successful, this wouldn’t be just one party; it’d be several—an all-night journey that didn’t stop until the sun came up.

After some research, I settle on two parties happening in a no-man’s-land section of Bushwick, between the last of Williamsburg culture and the start of Bushwick’s trendy new restaurants. It’s home to warehouses, empty townhouses, the art collective 3rd Ward, and artists looking for super cheap rent. One party starts at eleven and goes until “???” The other starts at midnight and ends at eight a.m.

My next task is enlisting people to go with me. My friends who remain in the city are hard to wrangle. Some balk at the idea of being forced to stay up until seven a.m. or going all the way out to what some kindly call East Williamsburg. Others who have told me they want to join me are now happily partying Downtown, with no interest in trekking out to Brooklyn. But I am committed to my goal. So, at midnight, I reluctantly leave behind the cozy Christmas-themed party I’m at and enter the L train station on First Avenue, alone, to begin my adventure.

*   *    *

Inside, two girls are waiting at a folding table inside to take my money, but I run into problems when I try to give them a twenty—they don’t have change. One runs over to the bar. The same thing happens at the “coat check,” a folding table in front of a rolling rack backed by a false wall.

When the coat check guy goes to the bar to get me more change, I look and realize with a sinking feeling that the party is pretty much empty. There are probably fifteen people scattered around what I estimate to be a chilly three-thousand-square foot space. The DJ is stoically doing his thing on the stage, which is a small table strung with Christmas lights up on a platform. Behind him, the wall dances with trippy images and videos from a projector. A small, glowing LED Christmas tree hangs upside down above his head. On one wall, there are psychedelic, unframed oil paintings. The floor is warped wood and there are small metal columns scattered about. The various strips of white cloth twisted across the high ceiling (they seem almost like leftovers from another party) complete the look. Which is to say, no look at all.

Great. I think to myself, This party is so underground no one is here. Or maybe it’s that I’m too early. It officially started at eleven p.m. but now it’s only 12:30, and that is still pretty early for a house music party. More people will get here later. I hope.

To get around alcohol regulations, the bar is set up so that I give $5 to one man in exchange for a ticket, which I then hand to one of the bartenders (again, at a folding table) a few feet away in exchange for a Tecate beer, which he plucks from one of the ice-filled plastic storage containers behind him. I crack it open, take a look around, and then make one of the best decisions of the night: I stride across the vast, empty dance floor and plunk myself down right next to a guy sitting on a bench by himself.

*   *   *

http://youtu.be/TPapsc0H8qI

It’s easy to make friends at house music parties. In line for the bathroom, by the DJ table, while taking a break and sitting down, on the dance floor—everybody is eager to interact. It’s sort of like a feel-good version of an urban emergency, when strangers all talk to one another to process the immensity of what just happened. “How good is this song, this DJ?” “So good.”

It also helps that many people are high on something. The most popular drug (as you’ve no doubt heard by now) is ecstasy, or its close and more pure equivalent, MDMA (street name: “Molly.”) It stimulates production of dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine, creating an intense feeling of euphoria that crashes in a pleasurable wave over all your senses. (Maybe that’s why they call it “rolling” when you’re high.) Music—and bass especially—expands. Your body seems to move almost independently as it tries to maximize and fully inhabit this pleasure. Physical touch is lovely, just rubbing your hands together is fun. But getting a shoulder massage from the stranger behind you is like platonic sex, if that’s possible to imagine.

MDMA also reduces social anxiety and anger while increasing extroversion, excitement and empathy. So imagine a hundred people or more walking around a party, rolling on ecstasy, who are just so fucking happy and excited to be there. All they want to do is dance and then learn all about your wonderful life. You’ll rarely see a fight at a house party, even as a hundred or a thousand sweaty and drunk people bump into each other on the dance floor. As an article in this month’s GQ pointed out, electronic dance music crowds that are high on MDMA are at “near parodic levels of gentleness and etiquette.” And mundane cocktail party chatter is mercifully absent. Or if it is there, you wouldn’t know, because every conversation feels revelatory, like falling in love.

Basically, MDMA does what a lot of meditation is supposed to do for you: it helps you be patient, kind, happy and in the moment. But taking a capsule of the drug, or licking a pinkie and dipping it into a small bag, is a handy shortcut to nirvana.

MDMA is credited for making house music possible in the 90s, by both improving the experience of listening to this newfangled, synthesizer-made, disco music update, and taking away the social stigma of getting out on the floor and dancing like you just don’t care. One party organizer says that the availability of MDMA at these parties—and their gay-friendly culture—is what distinguishes them from every other scene in New York. That’s a hell of a drug.

But if you don’t want to commit to Molly—and it is a commitment, up to six hours of adrenaline pumping through your body—you can choose from a menu of other options. Ketamine, a veterinary and medical-grade drug used to sedate animals and babies, can be snorted in powder form to make the music sound more pleasurable. Used correctly, it makes you happy-drunk and lasts a half-hour at most. But too much K, or too much alcohol combined with K, can send the user to the bottom of a well of consciousness, called a K hole, where they physically collapse and are unable to move for a half-hour or longer. Someone in a K hole looks exactly like someone with alcohol poisoning, without the vomiting. If you use ketamine regularly, there will probably be a time where you’ll overdo it. But after a half hour, you’re back on your feet, lesson learned.

Finally, there’s the standard cocaine and pot. All of these hallucinogenic, sedative and stimulating substances, including alcohol, can be—and often are—freely mixed together by partygoers throughout a night. And they are easy to get. Sometimes a guy will be walking through the crowd, saying, “Molly, Molly, K.” Or there’s a guy standing at the edge of the dance floor looking bored. At one party, all I had to do was look at a guy standing in front of me inquisitively (Why aren’t you dancing?), and he opened his fist to reveal a galaxy of bags, pills and vials. When I shook my head, he melted away into the crowd and was gone.

With all these substances floating around, you might think a warehouse party with a thousand people would be utter chaos. Strangely, it’s not. That’s because attendees aren’t there to get drunk; they are there to listen to music. You won’t find shot glasses at the makeshift bars. Also, with the goal of lasting for six hours or more, music devotees are nothing if not learned self-regulators. A beer here, a vodka soda there, and careful application of drugs when needed is meant to maximize your enjoyment of music and keep your body cranking until dawn.

At the dozens of house music parties I’ve attended, which range in size from thirty to a thousand people, I’ve seen only one drunk girl that had to be helped home—an NYU student. People who fall into K holes are sat down in a corner or outside on the curb where they quietly recuperate until they can come back in to rejoin the party. But most attendees are remarkably mature and self-composed (you know, chill), a striking contrast to what I’ve seen at many sports bars and clubs.

Of course, there are plenty of house music devotees who don’t need anything beyond a beer to enjoy the music, because the music can be stimulation enough. With its rolling, intense bass, quick tempo beats and not a second of silence for hours, the only thing between you and sunrise is sore feet.

*   *   *

The guy on the bench is happy to introduce himself. His name is Richard. He’s Puerto Rican, grew up in New York City.  Slim, with a black t-shirt, jeans, sneakers and a loose black cap over his brown curls, he explains he’s taking a break from studying advertising and works at an organic café in Brooklyn. He’s a big house music fan, and has started trying his hand at DJing apartment parties. I ask if he’s afraid of being viewed as just another amateur who wants to be a DJ.

“I think about that all the time,” says Richard. “But that just means I have to try harder. I’ve been listening to it long enough—I know what sounds good. I just need to get the technical stuff down.”

We continue to talk house music, DJs, clubs and drugs. I look around and comment on how empty the party is.

“It’s never been like this before,” Richard says. “I was here for the Halloween party and it was packed. And they really decorated it. But it got raided a couple weeks back.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Drugs, I guess.”

That’s surprising to me, since I’ve heard that the security guards are usually hired as much for their relationship with the police as for their bulk. Usually if the police come, they will just ask that the “bar,” which obviously doesn’t have a license, stop serving alcohol.

Richard’s friend arrives, a tall, trim black guy with dreads and a backpack. He introduces himself to me: John Swan. (He’s always called by both his names together.) He’s Richard’s manager at the café, also DJs using disco records and writes comedy sketches. Richard heads off to the bathroom and I hang out with John Swan. When Richard comes back, John Swan goes. Now a third friend arrives and the two boys introduce me. Jess works in merchandising at a luxury department store in Manhattan. She wears a purple silk top, gold pants and black flats. She’s pretty, with shiny brown hair past her shoulders and minimal makeup.

More people have started to show up, and the dance floor is no longer embarrassingly empty. The DJ hasn’t seemed to notice either way. His songs have been going fast and furious the whole time we’ve been sitting there. Chk chk chk, BOOM BABOOM, Chk chk chk, BOOM BOOM BOOM. Properly fortified by their visits to the bathroom, the boys pull us out to the dance floor.

It’s an eclectic crowd tonight. There are guys dressed in low-slung jeans, baseball caps and colorful sneakers; a woman wearing a skin-tight body suit and shiny black over-the-knee boots; men dressed in button-downs and polos with neat jeans. There are no cocktail dresses or mini skirts, and definitely no high heels. (Only the Eastern Europeans can do heels for six hours of dancing, and they don’t seem to be here tonight.) But in what I estimate to now be fifty people, every race is represented—white, Hispanic, black and Asian. I look to my right and think, Is that a midget?Richard catches my gaze and says, “Yup, that’s a little person.”

None of these people as they are currently dressed would get into a club in the Meatpacking District. But why bother to dress up when the bouncer doesn’t care what you look like and everyone wants to talk to you anyway? You don’t need to impress. And you want to be comfortable for dancing.

It’s true that you can find every type of person at house music parties. Retail workers, people who work in finance, blue-collar workers, students, architects, even accountants and lawyers find their way to the scene. They range in age from twenty-one (for illegal parties, the bouncers are remarkably strict about checking I.D.) all the way up to their early forties. House music doesn’t care how beautiful, successful, popular or rich you are.

I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I pass through a door and walk down a long flight of steps heading down into an open basement. It smells of wet concrete down here. The four bathrooms in a hallway could have made a cameo in Trainspotting. The one I choose has a white toilet with a mismatched putty-pink lid. The DJ and his speakers are probably twenty feet above my head and thirty feet away, but the bass is so loud that the hollow core door, the kind you would find in a cheap private residence, is rattling with such violence it’s as if someone is trying to force their way in. I check my makeup in the dirty mirror, exit the bathroom and wash my hands in the small room at the end of a hallway. There is a shower in there too. (This seems to be a common thing at warehouse parties, though why, I couldn’t say. Maybe it came with the warehouse bathroom? Other possible scenarios for why one would need a shower in a warehouse I don’t really want to entertain.)

When I get back, Jess eagerly introduces me to her new friends she made while I was gone, a group of guys. Richard realizes he knows them—he met them at a thirty-six-hour-long house music festival in Miami called Sunday School two years ago. It’s a small world, the house music scene.

“People live in this building,” John Swan tells me over the music. I look at him incredulously. “People live in this neighborhood?”

“Yeah. I used to live here. I had to move because there was always something going on, and nights went later than I liked. I moved to a more neighborhood-y spot. I like to be able to leave the party, you know?”

He flies off to start dancing again, his arms and legs akimbo to the beat and dreadlocks flying. There are all sorts of styles of dancing around me. One guy has his hands shoved in his pockets and is shuffling to the beat, eyes fixed on a spot on the floor in front of him. Others step, step bounce. Some guys do a dance that is all the way up to but not quite breakdancing, kicking the air in front of them with precise movements. A woman with an impressive fro is jumping around the dance floor. Jess gets into a dance-off with a stranger to our right, and everyone in our group—now ten strong—cheers. We’re moving like electrons, spinning around and bouncing off one another, talking and then flying away again, full of energy.

The orange glow of cigarettes dot the dance floor. It’s cold in here. Many people still have their coats and hats on as they dance. I’m not sure the building has any heat on, and outside it is in the mid-thirties. There are about one hundred people here now, but it’s not enough to heat the place up.

Richard procures ketamine from a friend at the party, which comes in a cute glass vial about the width of my pointer finger and less than an inch tall. It has a blue plastic lid stamped with an apple. John Swan hunches with Richard and carefully rolls the vial back and forth between his fingers to drop a small white mound of powder onto the webbing between Richard’s pointer finger and thumb. Richard brings it to his face and snorts it up. This sort of obvious drug use is fine, but when they want to dip into a stash of cocaine mixed with ketamine, which comes in a dime bag, they leave to do so in private in the bathroom.

It’s two a.m. now, and friends are texting me because their parties are over and they want to come join up. But I warn them off. I’m having an excellent time with my new friends, but this party, with its sketchy walk down a dark street, sparse crowd, intense music and drugs, is not for everyone.

We’re now onto a new DJ. He rolls the bass down a steep slope, gathering grime and buzz along the way until it hits the bottom, rattling our teeth in its intensity. BAM. BAM. BAM. BAM. BAM. BAM. BAM. It’s lyric-less, minimal, minor key and dark—drum and bass music. Jess wheels over and we hold hands as we dance, foreheads pressed together.

John Swan shows back up, and it takes a moment in the darkness for me to realize that he has red lipstick on. “Why are you wearing lipstick?” Jess asks him. “Some girl in the bathroom put it on me,” he says. Everyone is satisfied with that answer, and continues to dance. John Swan plants a big kiss on my cheek. Richard, a few minutes later, curiously lifts my hair from my face to look at the war paint on my cheek. I look in the bathroom when I visit it again, and yes, it is very intense, two fat stripes of red cutting diagonally across my cheekbones.

It’s now three a.m. One of our new friends, Andrew, bounces up to me. “You want rolls [another name for MDMA]? I know someone who is selling them.” I decline and he bounces away again.

I’m thinking it’s time to check out the other party. I pull up the Instagram image of the digital poster on my phone and show it to John Swan. He’s impressed with the lineup, and grabs Richard and Jess to leave. We hug everyone goodbye, and clatter back down the lime green staircase and out the front.

We have a ten-minute walk ahead of us. The streets are completely empty, and one smells like fresh tar. We pass Eastern Bloc-style apartment buildings, docking bays for trucks, parking lots and commercial buildings. We hear bass thumping again. We’re walking by the House of Yes, another house music venue carved in a townhouse in which most of the second floor has been ripped out to yield higher ceilings. We briefly discuss stopping in, but instead head on to our main destination. It becomes silent again as we pass under the flickering halogen streetlights and walk past blown-out, abandoned buildings.

I check my phone again, and we turn right down a larger street. Now there are cars passing by occasionally, and other people too. We stop in front of a door. This is the address. Jess and I look at each other. Is this it?

“You guys looking for [street number of building]?” a booming voice calls out. “It’s behind the U-Haul.” We turn the corner of the building, cross the parking lot and round the U-Haul truck. It’s pandemonium. A crowd of people are milling about, standing and sitting on a bench by a door overhung with ivy, protected by a security guy. Jess and I march up to the bouncer. “We’re back,” Jess declares, lying.

“You’re back,” the bouncer replies.

“Yes, we’re back.”

He waves us in.

The boys have more trouble. Apparently, the bouncer wants money from them. We pass back a twenty, and after some more negotiation that starts to get heated, he finally waves them through.

We walk down a few steps and we’re in a basement measuring about fifteen hundred square feet with white painted concrete walls. There’s a folding table with alcohol, a couple of bathrooms, and a DJ table. And that is pretty much it. It is packed.

“You think they have a coat check?” I joke. John Swan gathers up all of our coats and heads off to stash them somewhere. Green laser lights pierce the pot and cigarette smoke to play over the crowd. A tiny string of twinkle lights is strung above the heads of the two DJs.

The crowd is very different here, a bizarre combination of white Bushwick hipsters with thick beards, “huge thugs” (John Swan’s words, not mine) and sisters in fabulous, brightly-colored dresses and costume jewelry. The vibe is a little different too, people are a little less friendly.

We’ve arrived just in time for the next set of DJs. They start with the house equivalent of top forty, Scuba’s “Hard Body” and Julio Bashmore’s “Au Seve”—rolling, melodic drum and bass. The crowd grinds and bounces. John Swan says, “We need more drugs,” and disappears. He comes back fifteen minutes later with a bag of coke, which Richard and him share right on the floor in front of the table, digging a key inside to pick up a small mound of powder for a key bump. I nervously move forward to shield them from view, but they don’t seem to care, and neither does anyone else. It’s that kind of party, I guess.

The DJs switch to hip-hop flavored beats, though we’re still firmly in house territory. “Brooklyn!” the track yells and hands go up. “B-b-b-b-Brooklyn!”

John Swan is typing on his phone, posting to Facebook. “Why is me and Complex the realist most party turntablist EVER! Brooklyn!”

The girl next to me is dancing with a skateboard tucked under her arm. An Asian girl with double-D breasts barely contained in her plunging v-neck holds onto the DJ table’s vertical pole and leans back to dance. John Swan drops to his knees in gratitude for the music. Jess and I are bouncing around to the music like the two little white girls we are, exuberant and actually shocked to be here in this moment. Richard grabs my hips to dance, turns me around, trying to kiss me but I shove him away. No hard feelings. It happens. We continue to dance.

Some of the men around us are mean mugging Richard and John Swan, shooting them dirty looks. John Swan produces a small glass bottle of Wild Turkey and hands it to them, a peace offering. The DJ is playing the intro to Dr. Dre’s “Next Episode” and the crowd has their hands up, waiting for the beat to drop. John Swan hands his flask to the DJ, who takes a swig, grimaces, hands it back and then deftly flicks his fingers over the dials to drop a sped-up version of the song. Whistles and shouts. Jess leans in to light her cigarette off the guy next to her. The smoke machine kicks in and I can’t see the DJs anymore, just the glow of their mixer board.

It’s now six a.m. and my feet are burning inside my shoes. They’re the most comfortable heels I own, with just an inch-and-a-half rise, and usually carry me through a night fine, but I’ve been on my feet for at least eight hours. I consider taking them off, but look down at the sticky floor littered with what looks like broken glass and keep them on. I keep going. I’m going to make it until sunrise.

There’s a disturbance, and two guys are hustled out of the door before they come to blows. Everyone continues to dance. The Asian girl wraps me in a hug as we sway to the music. Stop staring at her boobs. Don’t stare. Another girl pulls me in for a grind a few minutes later. Men sidle up to Jess and I, as if we won’t notice them behind us. We spin away or scamper back to Richard and John Swan for protection, though they look tiny next to the fridge-sized men on the dance floor.

Jess heads to the bathroom and stops by one of the few windows on the way back, gulping in fresh, cool air. When she comes back, John Swan digs our coats out from their hiding place so we can leave. The DJs are still going; the dance floor is still crowded. The party organizer tells me later in an email that the last people left at a little after nine a.m., per usual. We tumble out into the frigid night air, exclaiming over the party. The boys insist on walking back to check out the other party again. They sky is grey now. House of Yes is silent. Incredibly, when we walk up to the other party, the bass is even stronger. The windows are rattling. “Three hours later …” John Swan says.

We walk in, but it looks like the party never really picked up. So Jess and I decide to call it a night. We say goodbye to the boys, and walk out. The sky now has a creamsicle orange tinge in the east. Jess gets in one of the black cars waiting by the curb. I hug her goodbye.

I hobble toward the L, clutching a fresh bottle of water to my chest and hunching against the cold. I might see my new friends again, or not. I have two of John Swan’s business cards in my wallet. (“John Swan … exists” and “Swan, John Swan.”) Richard has my number. Jess and I are friends on Facebook. They all want to read the story when I’m done writing it.

I text a friend who was at Cielo earlier in the night to see if he’s still up. My hair is infused with so much cigarette smoke, it will take three washes to get the smell out. I try not to fall asleep on the subway.

When I get out of the subway in Manhattan, I have a text from my friend. He’s at an after-hours party in Midtown with a DJ. It requires a code word to get in. Tempting, but I decline. I’m walking like an old woman with arthritis. (When I talk to him at two p.m. the next day, he’s still up, playing house music at his apartment with new friends he brought back with him. I’m sure he has the benefit of rolls in his system.)

The sun is up when I hobble inside my building and wave a sheepish hello to my doorman, before peeling off my shoes, taking the elevator upstairs and falling into bed. Mission accomplished.

* * *

Alden Wicker is a freelance writer and founder of Ecocult , an online magazine about all things sustainable in the city.

When Young Muslims Want to Stop Masturbating, They Turn to Reddit

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Inside the makeshift online support groups where devout men go to break their taboo sex habits.

This story is republished from MEL Magazine, a new men’s digital magazine that understands that there’s no playbook for how to be a guy. Sign up for their newsletter here.

On a Friday night a few weeks ago, Ibrahim “Ibby” Mamood was frantically typing on his laptop, shaking, with droplets of sweat dripping from his forehead. Every so often, he peered over his shoulder, just in case someone was still awake and could come into his room. “I did it again,” he typed to the members of a private Facebook group. “I lost control of myself. May Allah, the greatest, the most kind, the most merciful, forgive me.”

Mamood, 27, lives in Birmingham, one of Britain’s largest cities and home to the country’s largest Muslim population outside of London. He’s a practicing Muslim who prays five times a day and teaches children in madrassa (Islamic school). He lives in a neighborhood almost entirely filled with Muslim families, all of whom know each other, attend the same social events and congregate at the same mosque.

This makes what he calls an “addiction” to masturbation even harder to talk about. Calling me from a cafe in central Birmingham, far away from his home, he says that he started masturbating in his late teens “without really knowing what I was doing.”

“It started, like most boys, with wet dreams. I thought I was wetting the bed. And it really developed from there. Later, I looked at pornographic images. Not because of a sinful sexual attraction. I wanted to figure out what was happening to my body.”

Mamood tells me that as he grew older — and with Islamic marriage on his mind — he attempted to become a more devout Muslim. As he was doing so, however, he continued looking at pornography. “I knew what I was doing was wrong… I’ve always known that. But we live in a society where pornography is widespread, so even when I wasn’t looking for porn, it was just there.”

Like many Muslim men in Mamood’s situation — i.e., finding themselves unable to talk about sex, masturbation or porn in deeply religious communities, where such things are considered taboo — he turned to the internet for help. In addition to private groups on Facebook (Mamood’s has more than two hundred members) and WhatsApp, the biggest support network is on Reddit, where the MuslimNoFap subreddit has about two thousand followers.

On the surface, it might seem like the normal Reddit No Fap community, a group of men whose choice of abstinence is largely driven by a desire for self-improvement. But according to members of MuslimNoFap, who all wished to remain anonymous, their community is much different. As one told me, “The main NoFap community is largely aiming to somehow assert their masculinity through control of themselves, with the hope of sleeping with women outside of marriage.” Conversely, the MuslimNoFap community is designed to uphold the sanctity of Nikah (marriage), which also means that “any form of sexual activity is prohibited until made permissible by Allah.”

“All we’re trying to do is serve Allah, and to do what he commanded us to do,” the MuslimNoFapper adds.

While the men I spoke to had joined the group for different reasons — some wanted to stop watching porn; others used to the group to manage depression and anxiety — nearly all of them wanted to get married in a halal (Islamically permissible) way, and were worried that their affinity for porn and masturbation would nullify their marriages in the eyes of God. It also was clear that despite thinking about marriage for much of their lives, none of these men had been prepared for what would happen on their wedding nights.

“There’s no way we can talk about sex, or anything to do with sex inside a mosque. It’s impossible,” a Canadian man by the username Abu Khadeer says. “Most of the people in these groups had a strict Islamic upbringing. They didn’t learn about sex education in the madrassa, where they were prohibited from having girlfriends. Some date and have sex outside of marriage, but [most] other men are truly devoted to their religion. They end up giving into temptation … usually because they’re afraid they won’t be competent when they finally get married.”

“Most mentions of sex in the [mosque] are usually associated with sin,” he adds. The attitude that the imams take is that any sort of deliberate extramarital sex is a severe sin — one that results in punishment in the akhira [afterlife].”

Islamic scholars differ in their opinions of this interpretation. The mainstream view among some world-famous preachers, including Zakir Naik, is that anyone engaging in extramarital sexual activities without repentance (in the form of fasting and prayer) will be sent to hell on Judgment Day. Others say that because the Qu’ran doesn’t specifically call masturbation zina (a major sin), severe punishments don’t apply.

Still, most devout Muslim men grow up being told to stay away from any type of sexual activity until marriage. As Abu Khadeer says, “A lot of us are told to be celibate up to the point of marriage. And then when we get married, we’re just expected to know what to do. One of the guys on the forum had to divorce his wife because he couldn’t consummate his marriage. He literally didn’t know how to have sex with her on his wedding night.”

It’s difficult to quantify the problem, but most of the imams I spoke to recognized that this is an issue that is often kept secret. Imams from progressive Imams Online network say Islamic leaders hadn’t really dealt with situations involving men and sex education, beyond very extreme situations — ones where the men believed they’d been possessed by evil spirits, in which case, the imams recommend long periods of praying and fasting, or sometimes ruqyah, an Islamic exorcism ritual.

“Things like sexual etiquette aren’t taught in Islamic schools, because there’s an aversion by teachers who believe it’s a parent’s duty to teach their children about sex, but many parents don’t feel confident talking to their sons about sex either,” says London-based imam Muhammad Jafer. “As a result, you have young men who reach their 20s knowing next to nothing about intimacy, or worse, they’ve learned about it by looking at sinful websites or talking to people about sex in haram [forbidden] environments.”

Plus, as Mamood points out, “Most [imams] are older men, who grew up at a time when getting married young was something everyone did, so they don’t understand the world we’re in now. [They] don’t understand how much our society is sexualized now. To say that we should abstain from pornography is impossible.”

“The problem begins when you say abstinence is the only option,” adds Imtiaz Ayub, a social worker based in Derby, a small city in the north of England. Ayub isn’t an imam, but much of his work involves working with Muslim teenagers, including getting them to open up about sex. “There’s a wider problem here — one where in Muslim communities this idea of a very macho masculinity is imposed,” he explains. “More and more young Muslim men are obsessed with how they look, how muscular they are, as a way to prove they’re manly. But at the same time, they’re not encouraged to talk about their own sexuality. That can be very confusing for [them].”

In Ayub’s opinion, communities that have told young men to disregard their sexuality are “basically waiting for a volcano to erupt.”

“Muslim boys aren’t different to any other type of male — they’re going to be sexually curious when they reach a certain age, and if communities care about them, they need to provide spaces where they can openly talk about sex without the taboos. You can’t expect young Muslim boys to grow up and become men unless they’re able to manage the period when they grow up to become men.”

His attitude is shared by others who are trying to offer better resources for Muslim men to talk about sex. In the U.S., a website called “Purify Your Gaze” provides interactive sessions via Skype — usually involving a mentor — and other specially designed programs, consisting of physical activities and Islamic prayers, to aid men throughout their “healing” processes from porn and masturbation. Others, like U.K. imam Alyas Karmani, take a more modern approach — one that disregards notions of personal sexual gratification as a major sin, earning him the title of the “Muslim Sex Doctor.” Same for Mufti Abu Layth, another British imam who caused controversy when he used his weekly advice session on Facebook Live to say that masturbation wasn’t prohibited in Islam at all. Instead, he believes past Muslim scholars had suggested that masturbation could be used to safely manage one’s sexual desires.

To Ayub, Mufti Abu Layth’s statements were a positive first step. “The Mufti has a big public platform, and it was important for him to say that. Even if there are Muslim men who want to be celibate, who want to abstain until marriage, it’s still important for them to understand that masturbation is a natural human thing.”

A few days ago, I spoke to Mamood again. He was in better spirits. He’d put blocks on the porn sites he’d visited, and following the advice and encouragement of the other members of his anti-masturbation support group on Facebook, he’s trying to combat his sexual urges through studying Islamic books. That said: “I’m fine during the day, when I can control my temptations. It’s moments at night when I’m alone…,” he admits.

He takes a long pause, and then mutters a short prayer in Arabic asking for God’s forgiveness. “Those are the times I’m worried about. It’s at night time, when the devil likes to tempt us, especially on the internet.”

How Cleaning Out My Hoarder Mother-in-Law’s Junk Caused My Own Marriage to Crumble

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As we plowed through decades of her extreme clutter, I began to notice similar tendencies in my husband. And once I saw the hoarder in him, there was no turning back.

There’s a snapshot Aiden took of me a few days after our wedding on Christmas Eve, 2009. I’m standing outside his mother’s house wearing disposable coveralls, gloves, and a particulate mask. In the background is a dumpster. The ground is thick with dead, brown palm fronds. I am beaming at the camera.

I wished so much that I could have met Ruth, my mother in law. I knew she was a bright, adventurous woman who never found work to suit her lively intelligence. She was a 1960’s housewife fascinated by history and art and ideas. She loved dogs. She suffered from untreated depression and agoraphobia.

The day Ruth died, her family just locked up the house and walked away. Now, five years later, it’s still standing empty. Aiden worries about it. I worry about him. No one, I think, should have to clear out a parent’s house alone. His brothers are no help at all.

“You and I can do it together,” I say. “It’ll be our honeymoon. We’ll take a month and just get it done.”

And now we’re here.

The front door opens into the living room — an ironic name for such an uninhabitable place. I’ve never seen anything like this. There are LPs, stained mattresses, mountains of canned food, ripped cushions, dog crates, and hundreds upon hundreds of boxes. All fading back into the darkness. The smell is beyond staleness or rot. It’s the stench of sickness, of time lost.

I’d fantasized about meeting my mother in law. Now I’m getting my wish, but in the most macabre way. As I dig through her belongings, I feel I’m excavating Ruth herself. Every room in that house — every pile of garbage, every broken sofa, every packed closet — seems saturated with her spirit. Each stratum we uncover reveals more of the woman who raised my husband — a woman whom I will otherwise never know.

I haven’t yet heard of obsessive-compulsive hoarding. I have no idea that there’s a clinical name for what I’m looking at. I only know that Ruth’s house feels like a map of a disturbed mind.

Why, I wonder, is the floor of the den covered in newspapers three feet deep?

“That’s for the dogs,” Aiden explains, as if it makes perfect sense. We start hacking the newspaper out, a job that requires pickaxes and shovels. Clouds of powdered filth fill the air. The whole thing is a petrified matt of paper, urine and excrement. Decades ago, Ruth crammed her ever-growing collection of dogs — eighteen? twenty? — into this single modest-sized room and left them to do their thing. When the floor got bad, she simply added another layer of paper.

In another room, I find notebooks. Boxes of them, all densely crammed with faint, microscopic handwriting. They’re lists of words.

“Oh, Mom was always learning languages,” Aiden tells me. Some of the word-lists are in English. Others are in Spanish, German, Polish, Norwegian. Clearly the work of an intelligent and gifted person. The thing is, I can’t see anyone actually using them for anything. They’re barely legible. It’s as if Ruth was collecting words just for the sake of having them.

Further in, there’s a stack of maybe thirty cardboard boxes, wrapped in paper and swathed in packing tape. What was Ruth storing with such special care? Even with my mat knife, it takes a long time to get the first one open. I tear off the paper. Underneath there’s more tape. Then tissue paper. Gently, I turn back the layers.

Palm fronds. The box is full of dead palm fronds from the yard outside, carefully folded and packed.

I spend the next hour cutting open more boxes. They all contain more of the same. As I work, I keep twisting to glance behind me.

Back in the den I find Aiden crouched down, frowning at the heaps of crud that we’ve hacked out of the floor.

“We need to go through all this by hand,” he says earnestly.

I stare. “You mean the whole room? All of it?”

“There could be something important buried here,” he says. “Get a bag.”

I get a bag. As I start sifting, I try to think of something to say. We can’t do this. We’ll never get through it all. This is crazy.

I pry up a wad of rat-chewed newsprint. Underneath, gazing up at me, are Aiden’s eyes.

It’s a photograph, half buried in the muck. It can’t be Aiden, though.

The picture is old, taken maybe around 1920. But the resemblance is eerie. Same curly brown hair, same beautiful eyes. The guy is obviously a relative. Aiden has no idea who he is.

Later on, we show the picture to Aiden’s dad. “That’s your Great Uncle Norman,” he says. “He had some problems.” Problems? Apparently, Ruth’s uncle committed suicide sometime before the Second World War.

I’m sorry to hear it. But what really disturbs me is the vision of my sweetie buried under a pile of garbage in that house. Those eyes, hidden down there for decades. Sad eyes. A genetic heritage.

At the end of January, after about a month of excavation, we run out of time. The whole process has been traumatic for Aiden, and to what end? We’ve filled one corner of the dumpster, which means we’ve thrown away the equivalent of about one closet’s worth of stuff. The rest of the house we leave as it was, relocking the door behind us. I feel defeated. Aiden is silent.

Back in London, our cluttered apartment is starting to worry me.

“I’m remodeling, so everything’s kind of up in the air,” Aiden had told me months before, the first time I saw where he lived: before it became where we lived. I’d been impressed to learn that he was doing all the work himself. Naturally the place was messy now, I thought. I could see it was going to be beautiful when it was done.

But time passed, and the remodel began to seem like the labor of Sisyphus: a project that could absorb any amount of time and work without ever reaching completion.

Now we’ve returned from California and moved into a construction site. It’s uncomfortable. There’s no room for my stuff. Aiden urges patience as he keeps accumulating tools and crates and building materials salvaged from neighborhood trash cans. One night, I come home and am bewildered to see what looks like a pile of car parts in the living room.

I’m starting to understand that, for my husband, the chaos of the remodel is not a temporary stage on the way to a cozy shared living space. It’s the way he lives.

When I shake out a blanket, clouds of dust and mold fly up. We have fleabites. Without consulting me, Aiden adopts two dogs, which are never housebroken. Now I have to wear clogs all day, stepping over puddles on my way to the kitchen.

I offer to do all the cleaning myself. “This is not your project,” Aiden responds. I try to negotiate for one clutter-free room. For the first time, I see my husband truly furious. Once, I rearrange a couple of pictures on the wall. After that, Aiden doesn’t speak to me for a week. He feels that I’m a feckless control freak. I feel unwelcome and unvalued. Much as I love him, I’m sliding into chronic depression. Angry depression.

Through it all I can’t get Ruth, or her house, out of my mind.

Finally, two years later, our marriage ends. I’ve been fighting hard to clear away the obstacles — physical and emotional — that stand between us. To Aiden, I’ve realized at last, my efforts feel like an attack on the core of his being.

The hoarder crowds his life with rubbish in an effort to keep other things out of his life. Things like spontaneity, and the spiritual intimacy reflected in a shared living space. Love and friendship don’t stand a chance. The need to barricade oneself — literally and psychologically — overrides everything else.

I grieved our loss for a long time. But today I’m sitting in a tranquil room full of clean surfaces. There’s open space. There’s sunlight. I luxuriate in having exactly what I need and no more — my books, my teakwood desk, my glass pen jar. Best of all, my thoughts have room to spread and blossom.

 

 

This “Old Guy With a Sign” Protests Trump Every Single Day

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Gale McCray has never been politically active, but since the election he’s become a fixture at a Fort Worth, Texas, intersection.

Most days, 74-year-old Gale McCray putters around Fort Worth, Texas, doing odd jobs and errands – like delivering cookie bouquets – for extra cash. He also spends his time standing at a busy intersection with a homemade anti-Trump sign that simply says, “Trump, that boy don’t act right.”

For 21 years, McCray worked as a mailman for the United States Post Office. He admits he was just as the stereotype suggests: disgruntled. Unhappy and unfulfilled for the better part of his career, he finally quit and took out his entire retirement fund. After blowing through the money over a period of two years on marijuana and “craziness,” McCray was left with $500 to his name. It was then he realized he had a “problem” and he wanted to address it.

“The best thing about America is that you get multiple chances at life,” McCray chuckles. “So, I took another chance.”

McCray went back to school and got a degree at the age of 43, then worked for ten years as a recreation therapist, working with alcoholics and addicts – something he felt called to do. He would teach leisure education classes for patients in treatment centers, and talk to them about participating in activities and how to be out in the world, such as going to a movie or engaging in swimming exercises. Then he drove a school bus for six years before officially retiring in 2008. Over the past nine years, McCray has become more vocal about his political views though he says they aren’t based on politics, per se, but on common sense, human decency, and kindness.

Gale McCray poses with his sign.

Now, the sign he holds for at least two hours per day in front of passing cars and curious eyes is the result of a tipping point. One that McCray didn’t even know was coming. The downhome, country phrase written in big, black letters on the sign just popped into his head, McCray says. He heard it often while growing up in a working-class household in Oklahoma during the forties and fifties.

“It’s country talk, that’s all it is. The full phrase is, ‘That boy just don’t act right. God bless him,’” McCray explains. “Like, I’m a big baseball fan so I’d say this about a player: ‘That right there is a really good ball player, but the fact is that boy just don’t act right. God bless him.’”

Once he found a piece of cardboard large enough to fit his message, McCray focused on the destination. He says he didn’t put a whole lot of thought into it, but ideally had two specific requirements: within walking distance of his home, and a lot of traffic. So, he chose an intersection that fit the bill, with a four-way stop and an island off to the side for him to stand on.

“A few years ago, I made a different sign,” McCray says. “It said, ‘Help, I watch too much Fox News. Can’t tell truth from lies. Need therapy.’ But I was just being silly. This right here is different.”

When asked why it was different, McCray pauses. He speaks in a heavier and much more somber tone than the lighthearted, jovial one he’s been using.

“After the election I was just amazed, I couldn’t believe [Donald Trump] got elected,” he says. “I remembered seeing a guy with a sign once shortly after Bush took us into Iraq. And he was a Middle Eastern guy. He had such resolve on his face, like he knew he wasn’t going to change anything but that he had to get out there and do something. And that’s kind of how I felt.”

McCray stands with his sign at his preferred intersection in Fort Worth.

McCray maintains that he isn’t political. He isn’t angry and he isn’t trying to make a grandiose statement. He’s just “an old guy with a sign.” But the motivation seems deeper than that. After the recent election, McCray became politically active for the first time. He called Congresswoman Kay Grange, visited her office and spoke with one of her representatives about the travel ban. But it just didn’t feel like enough. Then protests broke out all over the country, including the Dallas Fort Worth Airport. And it affected him deeply.

“I saw mothers and grandparents on the news getting separated from their families and I got kind of emotional thinking about it and thinking about my own family,” he says. “There just wasn’t any compassion as to how it was implemented. So, I don’t know. It was all of that, really. I mean, this isn’t the America that I know.”

While standing alone on the cement-lined, grassy island, McCray has heard it all – boos, car horns, cheers and, of course, his fair share of ‘fuck you.’” According to the New York Times, 51.7 percent of Forth Worth residents voted for Donald Trump, which isn’t an overwhelming number, but enough to garner some unpleasant reactions to his sign.

Some people have called the cops on him, others hold up the peace sign. One person shouted at him to “get a job” while another asked, “Who’s paying you to do that?” An older woman even slowed down traffic just enough to roll down her window and tell McCray with all sincerity, “You’re stupid.”

“What I notice the most is how a lot of the people are just so angry,” he says. “It makes me sad to see them get so angry at me. I don’t feel anger towards them. And they look like they’re going to have a heart attack over this. You can’t take it so seriously. If I took what people said seriously, I wouldn’t be able to do this.”

McCray waves at passersby.

McCray says he often thinks back to that Middle Eastern man that he saw with a sign all those years ago. No one beeped at him. No one slowed down. They just saw him standing there and wondered what he was doing out there with that sign.

“That man had a big effect on me,” McCray says. “I made up my own story about him, about who he was and why he was doing what he was doing, and how he had to get out there and just do something – anything. It has stuck with me. I imagine people are doing the same with me. And maybe it will stick with them.”

McCray has since started taking the sign with him on his travels. He’s recently been to Oklahoma, Florida and South Carolina. A musician he met in Oklahoma even wrote a song based on the sign’s catchphrase. It’s called, you guessed it: “That Boy Don’t Act Right.” And on more than a few occasions, McCray has struck up conversations with people just to hear their thoughts and views no matter who they voted for. He’s not trying to change anyone’s mind, he says, or convert political beliefs. But he hopes that some people will feel motivated to go out and do something – anything – to make them feel as if they are doing their part. Maybe they’ll see the sign and think about voting or taking their own course of action. In the end, that’s really what McCray says he’s trying to do – inspire action.

“I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough,” he says. “Like I said, I’m just an old man with a sign. But at least, for me, it’s something. At least I’m doing something.”

 

 

The Hidden History of Gas Station Bathrooms, By a Man Who Cleans Them

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My job involves mopping up the urine-soaked garbage holes that exhausted motorists take for granted. But in another era, the public took great pride in the glory of roadside restrooms.

A bald man rounded the corner by the ATM machine. He was coming back from the bathroom with the look. I’d been at the gas station a couple months, so I knew the look. It’s a grimace with pursed lips that says: I feel dirty. We locked eyes long enough for him to shake his head. That little swivel filled me with anxiety. Our bathrooms weren’t filthy. For one of the busiest gas stations in Pittsburgh, they were OK. And no, that’s not good enough, but does an OK inner-city public restroom deserve a public shaming? Because that’s usually what accompanies the look, a cry of: That bathroom is disgusting! Then people within earshot make the look, too.

Expecting a scene, my muscles tightened as I rang up a customer. But the guy with the look didn’t embarrass me. He stood aside and waited. His blue, checkered dress shirt was tucked into khakis, and he sported a thin, whitish-blonde mustache that matched the ring of hair around his head. When the customer left, he leaned in.

“You need to clean that bathroom.” He raised his eyebrows and his forehead wrinkled. “It’s a mess. Big-time.”

I thanked the man and he left. The assistant manager was depositing money into the safe a few feet away. “Better go now,” he said, standing. He readjusted his glasses and checked traffic in the parking lot. “Go on, hurry up.”

Cleaning the bathroom quickly was imperative, but it was more complicated than the importance of sanitation. The gas station is located along Baum Boulevard, one of the East End’s main thoroughfares, and it’s one of those Exxon-McDonald’s-7-Eleven hybrids – café seating, sixteen fuel pumps, and 23 parking spaces. The kind of mega-station where you stop for gas and end up buying a Philly cheesesteak, chips and a large Pepsi because a sign on the pump reminded you: the more you spend on food, the more points you get on your fuel rewards card.

It was almost three on a hot summer afternoon. All sixteen pumps were being used, Baum had traffic, and we were understaffed. I was one of two cashiers standing inside an octagon-shaped counter with four registers. The assistant manager said he’d watch my line while I cleaned, but that was wishful thinking. The gas station was too busy for managers to stand still. My mission was clear: clean the men’s room and return before the other cashier was overwhelmed by customers.

This was frustrating because I wanted to do a thorough job. I hated having an OK bathroom. People informing me of messes was embarrassing. Most were trying to help. I know this because the gas station chain where I worked asked customers to speak up when the restrooms were disgusting. There were three signs inside each one proclaiming our dedication to cleanliness and encouraging customers to inform us when the facilities were not up to par. The signs, the look, my interpretations, it’s all connected to the strange relationship society has with gas station bathrooms, the most common public restrooms. Just say the words to someone, “gas station bathroom,” and they’ll conjure up a grotesque image and make the look. It’s a stereotype linked to a phobia about public toilets, but even if you encounter one with slick, urine-coated floors and poop-stained toilet seats, it is highly unlikely that it will get you sick.

Gas station companies used to take advantage of this fear by promoting clean bathrooms. Gulf started the trend in 1933, and the advertisements were so effective that Texaco, which was the first gas station to build public restrooms, launched its Registered Rest Rooms campaign two years later. Texaco pledged to send bathroom inspectors to each location, and women were the target audience (executives believed that, though men drove, women determined when and where they stopped). Full-page ads showed smiling mothers and children heading into “Registered” rest rooms, with the tagline: Something we ladies appreciate!

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Gas station bathrooms aided mobility. Americans didn’t have to worry about where to relieve themselves while driving coast-to-coast for the first time. The stations promote cleanliness, and say, to men: Don’t pee in the alley! In some cases, the state of a gas station’s bathroom can speak volumes about the state of the neighborhood. If I worked at the gas station in the East End, then those bathrooms were the public restrooms for the fifteen diverse neighborhoods crammed into that corner of Pittsburgh. And they were just OK, which meant sometimes they were, in the words of the man with the whitish-blonde mustache who complained that summer day, “A mess. Big-time.”

When I heard that, I pictured a combination of things I had already cleaned up: an overflowing toilet, soiled underwear, and used needles. I pulled a mop bucket filled with hot, soapy water into the men’s room and looked around. I was incredulous. That guy had said “big-time.” Paper towels dotted the tile floor, a pile of toilet paper sat next to the toilet in the lone stall, the ground was wet around the urinal, and there were tar marks from dirty shoes. Did it need to be cleaned? Absolutely. But right now? I usually hit the bathrooms before my break, after the afternoon rush had died. This “big-time” mess didn’t warrant a change in routine.

As I swept, I cursed the man with the whitish-blonde mustache. His name is Chuck. The assistant manager said he had complained before. I got to know Chuck one afternoon a few weeks later. I entered the men’s room to check on its condition, and he was standing at the urinal. He did a double take over his shoulder.

“You guys gotta do a better job in here.”

Dirty shoes had created a trail that forked by the stall, but there was no preventing this; inner-city gas stations get heavy foot traffic. Everything else seemed normal, too: paper towels on the floor, snot rockets on the walls. It didn’t even smell that bad. Chuck advised me to watch the urinal flush, and then he stepped back. Water whooshed down as usual.

illu2“See that?” He pointed to the floor. “The water pressure’s so strong it shoots onto the ground, then people come in here, see it’s all wet and think someone peed all over the place. So they stand a few feet back because no one wants to stand in pee, and then they miss, and you got a messy bathroom.”

I felt conflicted. On the one hand, complacency for the bathroom’s “normal” state was unacceptable. The sign promising cleanliness made me responsible, and I wanted the bathrooms to be spotless. (When I was a boy, my dad, a bank manager, flipped out when I didn’t do chores perfectly.) On the other hand, cleaning the restrooms was a Sisyphean task, and the gas station was understaffed. I couldn’t leave the register to mop the bathrooms once an hour. And why should I go above and beyond? None of my co-workers cared. We were getting paid $9.30 an hour, and the bathrooms weren’t that bad.

I had been struggling with this for a couple months, and I expressed my inner discord to Chuck like a typical grad student – with snark: “Wow man, you really know a lot about urinals.”

It backfired. Chuck had managed gas stations for 31 years. He retired and became an Uber driver, and whenever he stops at a gas station, he pays attention to cleanliness, especially in the bathroom.

“That’s how I get a general sense of what a place is like,” he said.

The more I saw Chuck, the more I liked him. He was a father who had coached his daughter’s softball team, and whenever he stopped to get coffee, he’d point out something wrong with the gas station: litter in the lot, how the Redbox kiosk blocked the doors. Then he’d leave with a big smile. Because he knew. Part of the problem was management, but most of it was the people above them. Corporate. One of the reasons he got out of the gas station game. His unwavering “this is how it should be done” view reminded me of my dad, and I eventually regretted cursing him earlier in the summer. That afternoon, I pinned open the men’s room door with the garbage can and swept the trash toward the hallway. The restrooms were so tiny that it was common to see people waiting in line, and sweeping in front of the sink, I blocked the urinal and the stall. A construction worker walked in and stopped short of bumping into me. He was a tall, burly guy, wearing a neon T-shirt, with a tribal tattoo on his arm.

“I’m sorry sir, but the bathroom—”

“It’s cool,” he said, shuffling past. “I’ll just be a second.”

The yellow cone in the hallway read: “Caution Wet Floor.” It didn’t say the bathroom was closed. I had tried to prevent him from entering because I didn’t want him getting in the way. But he was so dismissive. “It’s cool. I’ll just be a second.” Translation: You’re a loser. Get out of my way. I dumped what I had swept into the garbage and brooded over the lack of respect some people showed for my coworkers and me. Verbal abuse from customers was part of the job. The manager warns employees of that during the job interview. But he doesn’t say a word about the looks of pity you get as you ring up bottled water. Then there are the people who can’t even meet your eyes. Sometimes, the disgust on their faces has traces of resentment.

It wasn’t always like this. The relationship between gas station employees and the public has evolved with the industry. I felt compelled to research the history because photographs commemorating Pittsburgh’s role are plastered along the first floor of a closed Ford factory across the street from where I worked. The images were a daily reminder that on December 1, 1913, Gulf opened the world’s first architecturally-designed gas station at the corner of Baum and Saint Clair Street, about a mile away. Before the Gulf station, car owners filled up in gravel lots where shanties were thrown together for cover and fuel was stored in giant above-ground tanks. The lots and the men who worked them stunk. Homeowners called these early gas stations stink pits, eyesores. No one wanted one in their neighborhood. Not even those who could afford cars.

Gulf general sales manager W.V. Hartmann changed the industry – and American roadsides – by convincing his bosses to hire a professional who could blend the gas station into the surroundings. Architect J.H. Giesey drew the blueprint, and Baum was chosen as the site because, as part of the Lincoln Highway, it was already known as Auto Row, home to car dealerships and the Ford factory. Gulf’s station had a red-brick pagoda-style building shaped like an octagon. It blended in with neighboring homes, and on its first Saturday of business, Gulf sold 350 gallons of gasoline for 27 cents per gallon. The success sent other oil companies scrambling to imitate.illu3

Gas station companies competed for territory, and quality customer service was promoted to lure motorists from competitors. With the help of ads like Texaco’s “Mr. Service,” the gas station attendant became an iconic occupation. When a driver pulled into a gas station, a crew of uniformed men pumped gas, checked oil and air, and washed windows. They also handed out maps and gave directions. Gas station attendants in each neighborhood were revered, not disrespected like today’s cashiers. After World War II, garage bays were built into store designs, and gas stations hired mechanics. In neighborhoods across America, men gathered at gas stations to learn how to fix cars. The bond between gas station employees and customers continued through the 1960s, but the industry changed again in the 1970s.

America had reached its peak with over 216,000 gas stations. But after two oil crises rocked the industry, chains scaled back in numbers. Gas station owners realized selling cigarettes, lottery tickets, and candy bars was more profitable than auto repairs. Self-service was the next big change. Attendants disappeared in the 1980s, except in New Jersey and Oregon where laws keep the job alive. In the 1990s, gas station owners embraced convenience stores, then fast-food, and the Exxon-McDonald’s-7-Eleven hybrids were born. The bigger gas stations got, the more their numbers dwindled. In 2012, there were just 156,065 fueling sites in the United States; this means gas stations have less competition and more vices to sell, and are busier than ever.

Studies have shown that the crazier a convenience store gets the less positive emotion is expressed by employees and customers. Tempers can flare in that kind of environment. Chuck said he didn’t tolerate mistreatment from either side of the counter when he managed. If a customer was rude to one of his employees, he asked the person to leave. “People you throw out usually come back in,” he told me over the phone. “And if you do it in front of other people, then they see what you stand for … But you have to show people respect whether they show you respect or not.”

My managers took a corporate, customer-is-always-right-approach, and preached having a thick skin. They said: bite your tongue. That’s what I found myself doing that first day Chuck complained. The construction worker finished urinating, washed his hands, and left. Now I was ready to mop. I wheeled the bucket into the doorway and set the Caution Wet Floor cone in front of that. Starting by the urinal, I plopped the mop onto the floor. Thwack! I was sliding the mop head around like a snake, trying to erase scuffmarks, when the bucket’s rusty wheels squeaked. Some guy was climbing over it. He wore a long, white T-shirt with blue jeans and had a Bluetooth in his ear. I told him the bathroom was closed.

“C’mon now, you telling me I can’t take a piss?” he said.

He cleared the bucket and entered the bathroom. I pointed out that the floor was slippery, but he waved off the danger.

“I can handle it,” he said. “Now watch out.”

I stepped back, and he slid across the floor like a child pretending to be a choo-choo train. His shoes left a black trail in his wake. Now I had to mop again. I wanted to scream. Curse. But I didn’t. I walked into the hallway to breath and was met by a teenager wearing a white tank top, shorts, and sandals. He asked permission to enter, and I waved him in. At the end of the hallway, the assistant manager had abandoned the other cashier, and the checkout line stretched to the fountain drinks along the back wall. The people waiting seemed frustrated. That’s a different look from the one elicited by a dirty bathroom.

* * *

This story was originally drafted as part of Creative Nonfiction’s Writing Pittsburgh project.

 

 

The Day My Therapist Dared Me to Have Sex With Her

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My analyst and I grew more intimately connected each week of treatment...but I never saw this indecent proposal coming.

It’s the waning moments of my fourth session with a new therapist. I’m holding back — and she knows it. My entire body feels tense, not ideal for the setting. I try to relax, but the plush leather couch crumples under me when I shift, making the movements extraordinary. I’ve barely looked into my therapist’s blue eyes at all, and yet I think the hour has gone very well. Of course it has. On the surface, when the patient has been highly selective of the discussion topics, therapy always resembles a friendly get-together.

“Well,” my therapist, Lori, says, the millisecond after I become certain our time is up and I might be in the clear. “I don’t think I should let you go until we’ve at least touched on what was put out there at the end of last week’s session.”

I so supremely wanted this not to come up. My eyelids tighten, my mouth puckers to the left, and my head tilts, as though I’m asking her to clarify.

“When you said you’re attracted to me,” she continues.

“Oh, yeah,” I say. “That.”

Back in session three Lori was trying to build my self-esteem, the lack of which is one of the reasons I’m in treatment. Within the confines of my family, I’ve always been the biggest target of ridicule. We all throw verbal darts around as though we’re engaged in a massive, drunken tournament at a bar, but the most poisonous ones seem to hit me the most often, admittedly somewhat a consequence of my own sensitivity. I’ve been told it was historically all part of an effort to toughen me up, but instead I was filled with towering doubts about my own worth. And since 2012, when I gave up a stable, tenured teaching career for the wildly inconsistent life of a freelance writer, I’ve had great difficulty trusting my own instincts and capabilities. I told Lori that I wish I was better at dealing with life’s daily struggles instead of constantly wondering if I’ll be able to wade through the thick.

She quickly and convincingly pointed out that I work rather hard and am, ultimately, paying my bills on time, that I have friends, an appreciation for arts and culture, and so on. In short, I am, in fact, strong, responsible and “pretty good at life.”

Then Lori heightened the discussion a bit. “I also feel that it is your sensitivity that makes you a great catch out there in the dating world,” she said, to which I involuntarily smiled, blushed and quickly buried my chin in my chest. I was too insecure and too single to handle such a compliment from a beautiful woman.

“Why are you reacting that way?” Lori asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, only half looking up.

“Is it because you’re attracted to me?”

I laughed a little, uncomfortably. “How did you know?”

She gently explained she could tell the day I walked into her office for the first time, after I flashed a bright smile and casually asked where she was from.

Now, a week after dropping that bomb, Lori asks, “So, why haven’t we talked about it?”

“I was hoping to avoid it, I suppose.” I tell her the whole notion of having the hots for a therapist is such a sizable cliché that I was embarrassed to admit it. “For Christ’s sake,” I say, throwing my hands up, “Tony Soprano even fell in love with his therapist.”

Lori snorts, rolls her eyes. “I knew you were going to say that.”

I smile, shake my head and look around the room, denying acceptance of my own ridiculous reality.

“It’s OK,” Lori says, grinning. “We can talk about this in here.”

I look again at her stark blue eyes, prevalent under dark brown bangs, the rest of her hair reaching the top of her chest, which is hugged nicely by a fitted white tee under an open button-down. She jogs often, I’d come to find out, which explains her petite figure and ability to probably pull off just about any outfit of her choosing.

I still can’t speak, so she takes over.

“Do you think you’re the first client that’s been attracted to their therapist?” she asks rhetorically. “I’ve had other clients openly discuss their feelings, even their sexual fantasies involving me.”

“What?” I cackle, beginning to feel as though I’ve moseyed onto the set of a porno.

“It’s true,” she says, acknowledging her desk. “What’s yours? Do you bend me over and take me from behind?”

Nailed it.

“If that’s what you’re thinking, it’s OK,” she goes on, earnestly, explaining that she’s discussed sexual scenarios with her clients before so as to “normalize” the behavior and not have them feel their own thoughts are unnatural. By showing the patient a level of acceptance, she hopes to facilitate a more comfortable atmosphere for “the work” — her painfully accurate pseudonym for psychotherapy.

I take a second to let the red flow out of my face, and ponder what she said. I’m a little unsure about this whole technique, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. So I go home, incredibly turned on and completely unashamed.

* * *

One of the great breakthroughs I’ve had in the thirteen months since I began seeing Lori (who agreed to participate in this article, but requested that her full name not be published) is a new ability to accept the existence of dualities in life. For instance, I’ve always had a tremendous sense of pride that, if it doesn’t straddle the line of arrogance, certainly dives into that hemisphere from time to time. I’m great at seeing flaws in others and propping myself up above them by smugly observing my character strengths. I’ve never liked that about myself, but the harder concept to grasp is the fact that I can be so egotistical while also stricken with such vast quantities of insecurity.

In treatment I came to realize that all people have contradictions to their personalities. There’s the insanely smart guy who can’t remotely begin to navigate a common social situation, the charitable girl who devotes all her time to helping strangers, but won’t confront issues in her own personal relationships. In my case, my extreme sensitivity can make me feel fabulous about the aspects of myself that I somehow know are good (my artistic tastes) and cause deep hatred of those traits I happen to loathe (the thirty pounds I could stand to lose).

My next session with Lori is productive. We speak about relationships I’ve formed with friends and lovers, and how my family may have informed those interactions. One constant is that I put crudely high expectations on others, mirroring those thrown upon me as a kid. I’m angered when people don’t meet those expectations, and absolutely devastated when I don’t reach them. Lori points out that it must be “exhausting trying to be so perfect all the time.” I am much more comfortable than I was the week prior, and can feel myself being more candid. I’m relieved that the whole being-attracted-to-my-therapist thing doesn’t come up.

Then, a week later, Lori mentions it, and I become tense again.

“I thought I’d be able to move past it,” I say, adding, “We aired it out, and it’s fine.”

As definitive as I’m trying to sound, Lori is just as defiant.

“I’m glad you feel that way,” she begins, “but I think you owe yourself some kudos. This kind of therapy,” she shares, “isn’t something just anyone can take on.” Such honest discussion doesn’t simply happen, it takes tremendous guts, and Lori can see that I am dealing with it relatively well, so I should praise my own efforts.

“Shit, we both should be proud of ourselves,” she says. “It’s not easy on the therapist either, you know.”

“Why not?”

“Because talking openly about sex is risky at any time, much less with a client.” She explains that therapists are warned any semblance of intimacy can be easily misconstrued. “We learn in our training to not personally disclose, for example,” she says, but adds that, occasionally, transparency can be helpful.

“Still, with you,” she continues, “until I raised the question, I didn’t know for sure that you would go with it; for all I knew you’d run out of here and never come back to risk being so uncomfortable again.”

She’s building my confidence more, and I’m learning that I play a much bigger role in how my life is conducted than I often realize. My treatment wouldn’t be happening if I weren’t enabling it.

Then she says, “And don’t think it’s not nice for me to hear that a guy like you thinks I’m beautiful.”

Crippled by the eroticism of the moment, and combined with the prevailing notion that no woman this stunning could ever be romantically interested in me, I flounder through words that resemble, “Wait…what?”

“If we were somehow at a bar together, and you came over and talked to me,” she says, then flips her palms up innocently, “who knows?”

I laugh again and tell her there’d be almost no chance of me approaching her because I’d never feel like I had a shot in hell.

“Well, that’s not the circumstances we’re in,” she says. “But you might. Who knows?”

I’m confused — Is she really attracted to me or is this some psychotherapeutic ruse? I’m frustrated — I told her I didn’t really want to talk about it. Shouldn’t she be more sensitive to my wants here? I’m angry — Is she getting an ego boost out of this? Most of all, I don’t know what the next step is — Am I about to experience the hottest thing that’s ever happened to a straight male since the vagina was invented?

There were two ways to find out:

1) Discontinue the therapy, wait for her outside her office every day, follow her to a hypothetical happy hour and ask her out, or

2) Keep going to therapy.

* * *

A week later, I’m physically in the meeting room with Lori, but mentally I haven’t left the recesses of my mind.

“Where are you today?” she asks, probably noticing my eyes roving around the room.

“I don’t know.”

“Are you still grappling with the sexual tension between us?”

Here we go again.

“Yes,” I say, with a bit of an edge in my voice, “and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Lori, ever intently, peers into my eyes, wrinkles her mouth and slightly shakes her head.

“Do you want to have sex with me?” she asks.

We both know the answer to that question. All I can do is stare back.

“Let’s have sex,” she announces. “Right here, right now.”

“What?” I respond, flustered.

“Let’s go!” she says a little louder, opening up her arms and looking around as if to say the office is now our playground, and, oh, the rollicking fun we’d have mixing bodily fluids.

“No,” I tell her, “You don’t mean that.”

“What if I do?” she shoots back. “Would you have sex with me, now, in this office?”

“Of course not.”

“Why ‘of course not’? How do I know for sure that you won’t take me if I offer myself to you?”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“That’s what I thought,” she says, and tension in the room decomposes. “Mike, I don’t feel that you would do something that you think is truly not in our best interest, which is exactly why I just gave you the choice.”

Her offer was a lesson in empowerment, helping me prove that I have an innate ability to make the right choices, even if I’d so desperately prefer to make the wrong one.

I see what she means. I’m awfully proud of myself, and it’s OK to be in this instance. I’m gaining trust in myself, and confidence to boot. But, as the dualities of life dictate, I’m successfully doing “the work” with a daring therapist, while at the same time not entirely convinced she isn’t in need of an ethical scrubbing.

* * *

I don’t have another session with Lori for nearly three months, because she took a personal leave from her place of employment. When our sessions finally resumed, I could not wait to tell her about my budding relationship with Shauna.

Ten minutes into my first date with Shauna — right about the time she got up from her bar stool and said she was “going to the can” — I knew she would, at the very least, be someone I was going to invest significant time in. She was as easy to talk to as any girl I’d ever been with, and I found myself at ease. Plans happened magically without anxiety-inducing, twenty-four-hour waits between texts. Her quick wit kept me entertained, and I could tell by the way she so seriously spoke about dancing, her chosen profession, that she is passionate about the art form and mighty talented too. Shauna is beautiful, with flawless hazel eyes and straight dark hair, spunky bangs and a bob that matches her always-upbeat character. She is a snazzy dresser and enjoys a glass of whiskey with a side of fried pickles and good conversation as much as I do.

Things escalated quickly, but very comfortably, and since we’d both been in our fair share of relationships, we knew the true power of honesty and openness. So upon the precipice of my return to therapy I told Shauna about Lori, and admitted to having mixed feelings about what I was getting back into. I told her I was at least moderately uncertain if my mental health was Lori’s number-one concern since she always seemed to find the time to mention my attraction to her.

The first two sessions of my therapeutic reboot had gone great. Lori appeared genuinely thrilled that I was dating Shauna and could see how happy I was. I wasn’t overwhelmed with sexual tension in the new meeting room, though it wasn’t actually spoken about, and in the back of my mind I knew it was just a matter of time before it would start to affect my ability to disclose my thoughts to Lori again.

Then, while attempting to ingratiate myself with my new girlfriend’s cat by spooning food onto his tiny dish on the kitchen floor, I hear my phone ding from inside the living room.

“You got a text, babe,” Shauna says. “It’s from Lori.”

“‘I’m so impressed with you and the work you’re doing…’” Shauna reads off my phone from inside the living room, inquisitively, and not happily. I stuff the cat food back into the Tupperware and toss it into the refrigerator. I make my way into the living room, angry at myself for not changing the settings on my new iPhone to disallow text previews on the locked screen. Shauna’s walking too, and we meet near the kitchen door. “What’s this?” she says, holding up the phone. “Your therapist texts you?”

I take the phone from Shauna and say the most obvious, cliché-sounding thing: “It’s not what it seems.”

As I text back a curt “thanks,” Shauna tells me she’s going to ask her sister, a therapist herself, if it’s OK to text patients.

“Don’t do that.” I say, a little more emphatically. “I promise, this is nothing to be worried about. We’re not doing anything wrong.” I explain that Lori’s just trying to build my self-esteem.

“The only reason I’m even bringing this up is because you said you weren’t sure about her in the first place,” Shauna reminds me. I can tell she regrets looking at my phone without my permission, but I completely understand her feelings.

At my next session I tell Lori that Shauna saw her text and wasn’t thrilled about it.

“She probably feels cheated on to some degree,” Lori says. “A relationship between a therapist and a patient can oftentimes seem much more intimate than the one between a romantic couple.”

Lori goes on to point out that the reason she feels we can exchange texts, blurring the lines between patient/doctor boundaries — a hot topic in the psychotherapy world these days — is because she trusts that I’ll respect her space and privacy. “You’ve proven that much to me,” she says.

On my walk home, instead of being angry at Lori, I understand her thinking behind the text. But I’m also nervous about how Lori and Shauna can ever coexist in my life.

Isn’t therapy supposed to ameliorate my anxiety?

* * *

A week later, Lori begins our session by handing me a printout explaining the psychotherapeutic term “erotic transference” written by Raymond Lloyd Richmond, PhD. It says that erotic transference is the patient’s sense that love is being exchanged between him or herself and the therapist — the exact sensation I was experiencing with Lori, of which she was astutely aware.

According to Richmond, one of the primary reasons people seek therapy is because “something was lacking in their childhood family life,” perhaps “unconditional nurturing guidance and protection.” Upon feeling “noticed” and “understood” by a qualified therapist, sometimes a patient can be “intoxicated” by their therapist’s approval of them. A patient may in turn contemplate that a love is blossoming between them, and, in fact, it sort of is.

From an ethical standpoint, Richmond argues all therapists are “bound” to love their patients, for therapists are committed to willing “the good of all clients by ensuring that all actions within psychotherapy serve the client’s need to overcome the symptoms” which brought them into treatment. This takes genuine care and acceptance on their part. However, a patient can easily confuse the love they feel with simple “desire.” They’re not quite in love with their therapist, so much as they yearn for acceptance from someone, and in those sessions they just happen to be receiving it from their doctor.

Lori tells me that, all along, she has been “working with what I gave her” and that because I flirted with her a bit, she used that to her advantage in the treatment. In employing countertransference — indicating that she had feelings for me — she was keeping me from feeling rejected and despising my own thoughts and urges.

“There’s two people alone in a room together, and if they’re two attractive people, why wouldn’t they be attracted to each other?” says Dr. Galit Atlas. A psychoanalyst who’s had her own private practice for fifteen years, Dr. Atlas has an upcoming book titled The Enigma of Desire: Sex, Longing and Belonging in Psychoanalysis, and I sought her as an independent source for this essay to help me understand Lori’s therapeutic strategies.

Dr. Atlas explains that there are certain boundaries that cannot be crossed between therapist and patient under any circumstances — like having sex with them, obviously. But many other relationship borders can be mapped out depending on the comfort level of the therapist, as long as they stay within the scope of the profession’s ethics, which complicates the discussion surrounding erotic transference.

“As a therapist, I have a role,” Dr. Atlas says. “My role is to protect you.” She says it is incumbent on the therapist to not exploit the patient for the therapist’s own good, but admits that the presence of erotic transference in therapy brings about many challenges. “[Attraction] is part of the human condition,” she observes. In therapy, “the question then is: What do you do with that? Do you deny it? Do you talk about it? How do you talk about it without seducing the patient and with keeping your professional ability to think and to reflect?”

I ask her about the benefits of exploring intimacy in therapy, and Dr. Atlas quickly points out that emotional intimacy — though not necessarily that of the sexual brand — is almost inevitable and required. “An intimate relationship with a therapist can [be] a reparative experience — repairing childhood wounds — but mostly it’s about helping the patient to experience and tolerate emotional intimacy, analyzing the client’s anxieties about being vulnerable and every mechanism one uses in order to avoid being exposed.”

Dr. Atlas says this topic speaks to every facet of the therapeutic relationship, regardless of gender or even sexual orientation, because intimacy reveals emotional baggage that both the patient and therapist carry with them into the session. But this isn’t a symmetrical relationship, and the therapist is the one who holds the responsibility.

“Freud said that a healthy person should be able to work and to love,” she says. “In some ways therapy practices both, and in order to change the patient will have to be known by the therapist. That is intimacy. In order to be able to be vulnerable, both parties have to feel safe.”

After I briefly explain all that has gone on between me and Lori, Dr. Atlas steadfastly says she does not want to judge too harshly why and how everything came to pass in my therapy. “I don’t know your therapist, and I don’t know your history,” she says. But she offers that I should “explore the possibility” that I might have created and admitted my sexual adoration of Lori because one of my fears is to be ignored, not noticed.

Then I offer: “Maybe this essay is being written for the same reason.”

“Exactly.”

Maybe I wanted to interview Lori about erotic transference in my therapy sessions for that same reason as well…to stand out as the most amazingly understanding patient ever.

* * *

“I want to be very clear that this was never about feeding my own ego,” Lori says about her approach to my treatment. “We were always doing this in your best interest.”

I’m in Lori’s office, a tape recorder rolling and a pad and pen in my hands.

“I felt I was doing a disservice to you if I didn’t ‘out’ what I felt was weighing on us, which, honestly, felt like a heavy secret,” she says, pointing out that she discussed my therapeutic process for many hours in her required supervision meetings.

In order for Lori to advance in her field as a social worker, she has to attend 3,000 conference hours with another professional to go over casework — kind of like therapy quality control.

We talk about all of this during one of my scheduled sessions, for the entire hour — and go over by a few minutes, too.

Lori says that when she began her career as a social worker, she decided she wasn’t going to shy away from any subjects. “It’s typical for a client to [have] a habitual desire to sweep things under the rug,” she observes, especially about taboo topics. It can become a cycle of behavior that Lori seeks to break.

I refer back to the time when, unprovoked, she brought up my attraction to her.

She says she mentioned it to avoid what therapists call “door-knobbing,” which is when a patient will purposely mention some huge reveal right at the end of a session so as to sidestep a lengthy conversation about it.

“My only question for you is, was I wrong for bringing it up?” she asks. “Only you can answer that.”

Lori’s great at forcing me to reflect.

“I guess when I said I was over it and could move on, that was an example of my strict black-and-white thinking,” I say, throwing back some language she’s used often to describe my challenge in accepting dualities. In my mind, I was either attracted to her and shouldn’t see her anymore, or I wasn’t attracted to her and could still have her be my therapist. There was no in between.

I realize now that she wasn’t wrong for mentioning my feelings for her, even when I didn’t want her to. Lori noticed that I was frustrated with myself and wanted me to know that an attraction to a therapist is so normal and happens so frequently that there are technical terms for it.

I turn my attention towards the presence of countertransference in our session. I’m trying to come up with an actual question here, but, really, I just want her to confirm her feelings for me are real. So I say, referring to her feelings, with a great degree of difficulty, “It’s funny that they seem genuine to this day.”

“They are genuine,” Lori says, adding a moment later: “I think it might be a good idea if we explore why our discussing it suggests a lack of authenticity.”

“It doesn’t, necessarily,” I begin, then stammer through a few sentences, worried I might offend her by implying she’s been dishonest. I finally settle on, “I guess it comes back to my self-esteem issues. Why would a beautiful woman think I’m attractive?”

Lying in bed with Shauna a few months into our relationship, I ask her what she thought about me the moment she first saw me. I’m fishing for a compliment. But we met on Tinder and I just hope that seeing me in person wasn’t some kind of letdown for her after swiping right on my hand-picked glamour shots. Obviously she isn’t going to say something so awful after having committed to me for so long. It’s a slam-dunk ego boost.

She says she liked the fact that I was wearing a blazer and a tie on a first date. She adds that I was a little shorter than she anticipated, but was content with the two of us at least being the same exact height.

“What did you think when you first saw me?” she asks, turning it around, naturally.

Staying committed to my honesty-at-all-costs policy, I say, “I thought you were really beautiful, but not to the point where I was intimidated by you, which was very important because if I was, you would have gotten a very unconfident version of me, and we probably wouldn’t have hit it off as well as we did.”

Shauna thinks about that for a second, and eventually nods “OK.”

I explain that my insecurity could often get the better of me in dating situations. It was easy to convince myself that I’d be rejected by the girl I was with, especially if I thought she was out of my league. I would then slip into a nervous and reserved state that isn’t at all reflective of my true self.

I’m essentially saying that I was so thrilled to not find Shauna so extraordinarily pretty that I couldn’t accept her being on a date with me. That thought made so much sense at the time I said it, but I’ve since come to realize it is as ridiculous as it is insulting. After ten months of being with Shauna, I’m still completely floored by her, on every level, including a physical one. It gives me great pride to walk into a room with her, and I don’t imagine that changing. Therefore, she actually did meet a confident “version of me.” The way people look doesn’t drastically change in ten months but a person’s perception of self can. It seems my emotional workouts in erotic transference were just beginning to produce results.

* * *

“People fuck up,” Lori informs me during one winter session. “Therapists have slept with clients before, just like politicians have had sex with their interns. But, so you have a full understanding of how this works, we can date.” She explains the parameters as outlined in the social worker’s code of ethics. One of the many stipulations is that we wouldn’t be able to see each other, under any circumstances, for at least two years before dating. She tells me she loves her job, and there’s no way she would ever sacrifice my safety or her career for anything, so she would strictly follow all the dictated rules. “If you truly want to date me, there is the option. But it’s ultimately up to you.”

I know what she’s doing here — putting the onus on me, just like last year when she said we could have sex. The difference this time is the answer I want to give is on par with all of my involuntary urges.

“I don’t want to stop the work we’re doing,” I say. “At this point, it’s far too valuable to me, and, really, I know very little about you.” She’s beautiful, exercises, is smart, funny, professional, enjoys good TV…and that’s about it. Aside from whether or not we’d even both be single in two years, and if we’d be in the correct mind frame to explore a relationship, there are several other things I’m considering here: Would Lori and I really be compatible in every way? Would she ever see me as a lover, a partner, an equal, and not a patient? Could I ever reveal a detail about myself, or even just a shitty day of work, without wondering if she was picking it apart and analyzing it?

Frankly, all those questions could be answered in the positive. But, even if I wasn’t in a happy relationship — Shauna makes this choice much easier, for sure — I wouldn’t go that route. I’d be out a therapist.

* * *

It’s a beautiful spring night in New York and only sidewalk seating will do. Shauna and I are out to dinner at a restaurant near her Queens apartment, and we’re both in good spirits. The weather and the alcohol consumption are partly to blame for that, but, on cue with the season’s change, I feel I’ve turned an emotional corner. Work payments that were past due are finally finding their way into my bank account. As it turns out, my short-term money troubles were not an indication that I had no business being a writer, or that my life changeup was as irresponsible as unprotected sex at fourteen years old.

I’d told Lori as much that afternoon. I took a mental step back from my current situation and realized that in spite of my recent hardships, I was succeeding. I summarize my session for Shauna, who nods in agreement, lovingly pointing out that she’s had the same challenging freelancer experiences as a dancer.

“You’re doing great, babe,” she says matter-of-factly.

“Thank you. That means a lot,” I respond. “I guess if I’m going to be a writer I just have to accept all this and have faith in myself. The way Lori put it was, ‘You just have to go all-in.’”

“Good,” Shauna says. “You should listen to the women in your life.”

* * *

Liked this story? Our editors did too, voting it one of our 20 best untold tales!

See the complete list of Editors’ Picks here. 

* *

Michael Stahl is a freelance writer, journalist and editor living in Astoria, New York. He serves as a Narratively features editor as well. Follow him on Twitter @MichaelRStahl.

Casey Roonan is a cartoonist and cat person from Connecticut. Follow Casey on Instagram: @caseyroonan